That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize