alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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