The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
