In the future we'll all be gay
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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