She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
