why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
