this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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