The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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