Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
