I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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