Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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