I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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