the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
