im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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