I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
