conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
