Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
