I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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