I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize