you guys were way drunker than both of me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
