I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
