very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
