Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
