Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
