it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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