I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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