he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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