Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
