I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
