The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
