Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize