remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
