Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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