I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
