It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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