the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize