a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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