I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Randomize