ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
