Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
