she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
