Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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