a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
