summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize