Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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