Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
