dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
