it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
