just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
