The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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