I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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