U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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