so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
