Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
