It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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