ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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