I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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