I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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