Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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