she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
